If you go and look at my history of being a fan of STARTO ENTERTAINMENT idols, there’s quite a gap of time between me becoming a fan and when I re-entered the fandom sphere. Seven years is quite the gap, no matter the reason or circumstances surrounding that length of time. But my reason? Well. This was due to two factors.
First, I had no idea what I was doing when I first became a fan of ARASHI in 2008. I had found a few music videos on YouTube and other sites that no longer exist today and swiftly fell in love with them. I got my hands on a few albums and singles, devouring their music as if my life depended on me, but, when I couldn’t find any new music besides their recently released single, I slowly backed away. I didn’t know when to expect a new single or album or even the difference between the two, so my interest slowly faded without new content to enjoy.
Second, that societal pressure to fit in and be “normal” was getting to me. In the fall of 2009 I would be entering my junior year of high school, and I felt as if I needed to be “normal” before going off to university. I needed to “grow up” and “like things everyone else liked” or I wouldn’t be a “proper adult.” It meant throwing away everything that I loved, and I was willing to do that for what I presumed to be normalcy.
The funny thing about life is that it always finds a way to swing you back around to things that you love. At the end of my sophomore year of university in 2013, I finally threw that proverbial middle finger at “normalcy” and decided to enroll in Japanese courses at my school. I always told friends and family a story about how I flipped a coin to decide between German and Japanese, but that was a bold-faced lie. It was always going to be Japanese.
I also entered my university’s Japanese Culture Club that fall and met other people who had an interest in Japanese culture, and it was there I met my friend. Fresh from her study abroad in Japan, I met her in spring of 2014, and she was so unabashedly an ARASHI fan that I wanted to be like her. I wanted to shout my love for my hobbies from the mountaintops without worry about judgment from others. I told her I had an interest in ARASHI years before, and she invited me over to her apartment one weekend with a bunch of Japanese exchange students and her friends to watch an AraFes DVD. It was then that I rekindled my love for idols.
But this story isn’t about my adoration for ARASHI, nor the length of time I devoted to being a solo ARASHI fan, the fandom accounts I ran, and all of the variety TV shows of theirs I watched. I spent so much time as their fan, but this story concerns another STARTO idol group.
I’ve noticed in my fandom life that I tend to get quite passionate about a group only for that passion to burn out and be replaced with a new one fairly quickly. My interest in ARASHI had begun to wane in late 2015 only to be replaced by KANJANI8 in September of that year. I burned through their content even faster than ARASHI’s. By early December I had started getting a keen interest in WEST. and devoured their newest album at the time, Lucky7, as soon as I got my hands on it.
That year had also been a massive turning point in my fandom life. Before I had become a fan of WEST., I had only ever been a fan of idols who were at least a decade my senior. I had scoffed at one particular “younger” group, claiming that they weren’t old enough for me when, in reality, we were around the same age. In my head I was taking the superior high ground when, in all honesty, I was only being pretentious.
But there was an episode of an old variety show, VS ARASHI, that WEST. had taken part in, and I was utterly charmed by the story of a boy who became so excited to answer an interview question that he forgot he had a mouth full of water and began to speak. I wanted to know more about him, and, when I went to look up his age, I learned he was younger than me. Only by a few months, but I was absolutely shaken.
Younger? YOUNGER? Could I be a fan of someone who was the same age as me? Was that okay? Was that allowed?
Of course the answer is yes to all of those questions, but they were questions that broke apart my whole entire world at that time. After what felt like days, when in reality it was only a few minutes, something clicked inside of my head. Yes. Yes, this was alright. Why would it be wrong to like idols that were my own age? I immediately felt ridiculous and continued to dive into as much WEST. content as I could find.
But that choice had completely shifted the ground beneath my feet. As I consumed WEST. content and all of the ARASHI and KANJANI8 content that I could find, I started thinking about that group I had scoffed at not so long ago. The ones who were perfectly my age, and I had claimed were “too young” for me.
No matter what I did, whether it was watching variety shows or concerts DVDs or even music videos, my thoughts kept drifting back to this group of nine idols. I was so desperately curious about what they were like, and, despite my attempts to enjoy the three idol groups that I knew liked, I always had this other group, Hey! Say! JUMP, in the back of my head. For you see I wanted to like this group. I did. But I had one big problem plaguing my thoughts.
I hated one of the members.
I had seen Hey! Say! JUMP’s Ryosuke Yamada EVERYWHERE. He was constantly in TV shows and dramas. You couldn’t go anywhere without seeing his face, and I HATED that. I was annoyed at the mere thought of him, and I wasn’t sure that I could get past him being the center of the group to enjoy their work together.
I will admit I was perhaps not the most mature person in the world then, even in my early twenties, but I did something that even to this day I was surprised I had the mental maturity to do: I took a step back and examined exactly why I hated Yamada.
Did I hate his acting? Well, no. He was really good when I watched Grasshopper. His character was my favorite.
Did I hate his singing? No. He was quite the talented singer.
Did I hate that he was constantly on variety shows? Not at all. He was quite entertaining to watch.
Did I hate that he was constantly employed and working? Well, ARASHI was constantly working and on so many regular variety shows. I didn’t hate them for being employed, so I couldn’t hate Yamada for doing the same.
If I didn’t hate him for all of the things that I claimed then what was the reason?
And then it clicked. It had been so simple and in front of me the entire time. I couldn’t believe I hadn’t seen it before.
I was jealous.
Yamada is, arguably, one of the most beautiful Japanese entertainers out there. He is an absolutely stunning human being, and I was jealous that I wasn’t as pretty as him. It was after this realization that I did another of the most mature things I have ever done: I put my “hatred” of Yamada aside and decided to try and get into Hey! Say! JUMP in early 2016.
I was instantly charmed by the entire group. I fell in love with them swiftly after watching so many episodes of Itadaki HIGH JUMP, and, even if I couldn’t remember all of the members and their names, they were people that I wanted to get to know. When I watched them, it felt as if I was watching a group of friends hang out and make silly jokes together. It was absolutely refreshing, and I scoured the internet to find more of them.
There was one thing that kept coming back to me, and it was a great worry of mine. If I wanted to be a fan of Hey! Say! JUMP, I needed to like their music. Of course you can be a fan of a group without liking their musical content, but, for me, it is a vital part of my decision to become a fan or not. If I don’t like a group’s music, I can’t claim to be a fan of theirs. It was absolutely crucial that I like their songs on top of their personalities.
So I found their music videos, and I chose one at random. I held my breath as the song started, and I had to close out the video before the first chorus finished. I hated it. The first Hey! Say! JUMP song that I listened to, Chau#, was so bad to me that I couldn’t finish the song.
Immediately my thoughts began to spiral. Would all of their music sound like this? Was it all so bubbly and cute? It most definitely wasn’t the style of music that I enjoyed, and I tried to picture myself as a fan never being able to attend a Hey! Say! JUMP concert because I couldn’t get through an album of bubbly pop music.
But there was something in my head that said to give their music one more try. One more song. If I didn’t like that second song, then I would give up on Hey! Say! JUMP and find another group to enjoy. It would be proof they weren’t in the cards and, despite loving their personalities, I wasn’t made to be a fan of them. I selected a music video that seemed interesting, pressed play, and waited.
From the very first notes there was something about Ride with Me that immediately struck my soul. It was like I was supposed to find this song out of their entire discography, like it was made for me. I played the song over and over again, remembering the dancing and singing. I was entranced by every single second of that music video. Was this what Hey! Say! JUMP’s music was like? A mix between bubbly and cool? If it was, I could definitely push aside the cute pop music and pretend it didn’t exist so I could fall in love with this group.
I clamored to listen to more, devouring all of their discography and singles. Though there were plenty of cute songs in their lineup, none bothered me as much as Chau#. I fell in love with their style, but that second song I ever heard, Ride with Me, continued to be my favorite. It was the reason that I decided to throw myself head first into their fandom and be their fan, and, when I would eventually hear it live for the first time years later, I cried through the entire performance.
The only thing left was to find my favorite in the group.
With so many members in JUMP, it was hard for me to remember their personalities and what they were like when they were all together. I’m very vocal about this online, but it’s difficult for me to remember the names and faces of idols. The more members, the longer it takes me. I often have to rely on hairstyles or member colored outfits before I can memorize facial structure and voice. And, with nine members, this was going to be my biggest challenge.
But I had fun watching Hey! Say! JUMP sing and dance and be put in impossibly difficult situations on Itadaki HIGH JUMP. I slowly started to branch out and watch their solo interviews as well, so I could get a better grasp on their personalities.
There was one particular interview that I watched in those early months of 2016 that still stands out to me to this day. It was a solo interview with Yuto Nakajima. I can’t remember exactly why he was on this show, perhaps promoting a movie or something, but it was an interview that still sticks out in my memory. There was a segment of the interview when he was talking about his love of cameras. He had videotaped himself at home showing off his camera collection, but he had talked for so long and in so much detail that the television show had sped up his lecture. Yuto’s reactions were incredibly adorable, shouting how they shouldn’t skip it, but I went back and watched that segment over and over.
Yuto was like me! He was so boldly passionate about his cameras just as I was passionate about all of my interests and hobbies. Both of us could ramble and talk about our passions to no end, to the point I’m sure people would want to fast forward my screeching, and I loved that I could see a part of myself in him. I had never had a bias who I saw a part of myself so clearly in, and I latched onto Yuto. I decided at that moment that he would be my favorite in this massive group.
As I was becoming a Hey! Say! JUMP fan, I was also in the midst of applying for teaching jobs overseas, and I learned I would be moving to Japan just as JUMP’s Dear. concert tour would be beginning. I was tempted to convince my family to fly out for a vacation, so I could attend. The only problem was I had no idea how to get tickets, so I bided my time and promised myself that I would attend their next tour through any means necessary. I would see Yuto in person. I just needed to be patient.
As 2016 slowly dragged on, and I learned the personalities of each of the JUMP members, I began to adore more of the members than just Yuto. I loved Kota Yabu, and I found Hikaru Yaotome absolutely hilarious. I also had a massive soft spot for Keito Okamoto. I loved his British accent when he spoke English, and his banter with Yamada during their TV show. I would be so bold as to say I loved him as much as Yuto, but I remained firm that Yuto was my only bias in the group…even if Keito was the first uchiwa I ever bought and had shipped to my house in the U.S.
In early 2017, I packed my suitcases and prepared to make the move over 7,000 miles away to Japan. I carefully hid my Keito uchiwa in one of my suitcases, carefully placed between layers of clothing, and prayed my family wouldn’t find it.
My start in Japan didn’t start as smoothly as I would have liked. I was dealing with massive culture shock as I moved into my apartment. I remember crying as I laid on my futon that first night wondering what I was doing. I felt as if I was making a huge mistake chasing after my dreams of having a job that I loved as well as seeing the idols that I held near and dear to my heart. Was I making a mistake?
With time those thoughts slowly started drifting away. I hung out with new friends and explored Harajuku to find JUMP goods that I had dreamed of owning. I had my first ever experience at the Johnny’s Store, now called the POP UP STORE, purchasing shop photos of JUMP. I bought magazines from bookstores and ran after work to buy their latest CD releases. And, when the Dear. concert DVD was eventually delivered to my apartment. I was so excited. It felt as if things were slowly coming together, and I could build a small life in Japan.
At some point, I decided that I needed to decorate my apartment walls with posters. I carefully tore all of the JUMP ones from magazines and used washi tape to hang them up on the walls. They made me smile seeing them grace my wall, and I felt less lonely when I was home seeing their faces welcoming me when I stepped through the door. Eventually, I decided that I needed to also put my favorite paparazzi photos up to fill in the smaller spaces that posters wouldn’t fit.
I flipped through all of the photos I had purchased, selecting my favorites, and carefully hung them up in an interesting design. After hanging up six, I stepped back to see who was dominating my wall. I counted that one had Yuto, there were photos featuring Keito and Yabu as well as other members. But four of the photos had Hikaru in them.
Looking up at my wall, I couldn’t help but stare in disbelief. What…what was happening? Why was there so much Hikaru on my wall? This didn’t make any sense. I grabbed all of the photos I had purchased recently and flipped through them.
Hikaru. Hikaru. Hikaru. Hikaru. Hikaru.
Most of them were Hikaru, and I felt a deep set panic start coursing through my veins. I wasn’t a Hikaru fan. I was a Yuto fan. Why had I subconsciously spent so much money buying Hikaru photos??
In retrospect, it’s easy for me to look back and understand what was going on at that time. Between the end of 2016 and early 2017, I had slowly slid out of my Yuto phase and had become a fan of Keito. Despite this strong affection that I had for Yuto, as well as how often I would post online about Keito, I would still claim to be a fan of him. When I would do Twitter polls about my favorite group member from various groups, I would take sweet satisfaction in telling people they were wrong about my favorite bias.
But in my heart, it wasn’t Yuto that held that top spot as my favorite idol. I just couldn’t admit it to anyone, even myself. Even when that love for Keito morphed and somehow changed into affection for Hikaru, I would still claim I loved Yuto the most.
Not to say that I hadn’t liked Hikaru before. I adored him. I loved his interactions with Yabu on concert DVDs, and I enjoyed any moment that he was forced to be around cats. It was absolutely hilarious to me. I loved his singing, and I loved that he was one of the two rappers in the group. I loved how sweet he could be when he wasn’t making jokes or being the butt of them. I adored this silly man on my computer screen.
But I wasn’t a Hikaru fan. I was a Yuto fan.
I entered a phase of my life where I was being quite “tsundere” about my love for Hikaru. One moment I would be very sweet, fangirling about him and adoring him, and the next I would be denying that very same affection despite visible proof that I adored him. Eventually, an ex-friend had, had enough of my insane antics. She decided she would send me a picture of Hikaru every single day until I admitted that he was my bias.
At first, I didn’t like that I was receiving Hikaru photos every single day. I was firm in my stubbornness, as my friends affectionately know that I am, but, slowly and over time, I came to look forward to the pictures she would send me. I would reach out and ask if she had forgotten the photo for the day, and my heart slowly opened up and accepted that I did adore this man. It wasn’t until a late night conversation with this ex-friend that I was able to fully put into words and realize why I was resisting changing my bias.
Despite Yuto never knowing me or even knowing I existed, I felt as if I was betraying him. I hadn’t spent much time as his fan, but it hurt to acknowledge that my feelings had changed. I didn’t feel as strong of a connection to him as I once had during the initial interview I had watched with him. I still adored him, and I still do, but Yuto was not number one anymore.
It was only when I acknowledged those feelings of betrayal and realized that it was perfectly fine and normal to switch biases that I was able to fully accept things had changed. Hikaru was my bias, and that was perfectly fine. Things would be alright.
The only thing left was going to see them in concert for their tenth anniversary. I got a ticket and ended up with a seat that was….well….not the best. I was on the second floor stands of Yokohama Arena and right next to where they would come by on the carts during the encore. Although Hikaru didn’t come around during that time, it was still a dream to see the members in person after only seeing them on my computer screen for so long. When I got home that night, I burst into tears the moment I sat down on my bed. I had lived out my dream. I had seen my idols in person. They were real.
It’s been a long time since I went to that concert in 2017. I’ve had ups and downs as well as highs and lows within my fandom life. I’ve become a fan of so many idols and groups that I can’t count them all on my two hands anymore, but one thing has always remained consistent: my love for Hey! Say! JUMP and Hikaru.
They are my home.
When I’m feeling down and need encouragement, I’ll turn on their music, and I find strength in their voices singing to me. Before I moved to Japan, I wasn’t sure if living was something that I had the strength to do. It was only that job offer and the promise to myself that I would see JUMP in some capacity that kept me going. I owe a lot of my life to JUMP. I don’t get plagued with those kinds of dark emotions as much anymore, and I continue to take a step forward each day because their smiles give me the strength I need.
Perhaps it’s a bit silly to find the will to live through men who will never know my name or remember my face, but it’s what gets me through the day. They are always the ones whose music I like the best. They are always the ones whose concerts I enjoy the most. And, no matter which idol I talk about on Twitter or who is currently at the forefront of my mind, it’s always going to be Hikaru that I love the most in STARTO. He is my world.
It’s silly to look back now and think about how ridiculous I was so many years ago, but I was a young adult, fresh from college, and trying to figure out who I was. I’ve grown and matured through these past eight years as a JUMP fan. I’ve watched these boys grow and come into their personalities as well, and I hope that I can follow their careers for many years to come. Even if the group comes to an end one day (and I truly hope they won’t for many years), I will always proudly proclaim myself as their fan. Always.
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